I've been on the move, stepping into my new season.
It's only been a month since I've been back in Jersey and I feel like I've been doing the most. I came here on a mission and I'm out here seizing every opportunity, doing all the things I told myself I would. But still, it always feels as if I could be doing so much more. I don't know, I guess I enjoy living at a pace where my mind can keep up, my lifestyle always has to match my energy. And yet people always tell me that I need to learn how to slow down, how to relax, but I feel like there's not much time to sit still with all the things I want to accomplish in life. There's just a different fire that fuels me inside, it's a hustler's ambition.
Every time I think about giving up, I reminisce back to a time where I was fired and I wasn't sure if my next move would be my best move. I had no money, and the burden of creditors and unpaid bills wouldn't escape me. I reminisce back to a time where I cried for Jersey and the teenage years I felt I missed out on. I reminisce back to a time when fake love clouded my judgement and wouldn't release me. I reminisce back to a time when I was lost in nostalgia, and depression and anxiety was my worst enemy. I reminisce back to a time when I was hopeless and unable to see the light.
And now, I'm here. I am the light.
I'm learning how to be here, how to stay here. How to be present, how to keep my feet on the ground long enough to enjoy all life's beautiful moments, how to sit back and enjoy my progress. I don't even think I've taken the time to give myself much credit, if any, for making it this far after what I've been through. Only a month ago I was staring at Ash-Lee after both of us were searching for jobs for weeks, after Pops was a bust and after there was just something too fishy about Shrimps. I told her that when the opportunity presented itself to make sure I took it, and when it came, she made sure I went.
I was scared to uproot myself from where I'd been settled for so long, in the apartment where I came to start over, near my mom, near my sister, near the one true friend that it took me years to find. It was a tough sacrifice, but had I let the opportunity pass me by I wouldn't have ended up back here aligned with so many of those who are here too, on this same path. It's all happening, this energy here is indescribable. Suddenly I feel like I can do any and everything.
It matters, and now a days I only surround myself with energies that motivate me and challenge me to vibrate on a higher frequency.
I no longer want to lower mine for anyone, or push myself to understand people who just love being misunderstood. I'm done meandering through these murky waters where the tides upset my spirit. I'm too deep to swim so shallow. I just wanna go higher, to places where my mind has never been before.
This is half- time.
I've got a new therapist and she told me that maybe I just needed a vacation, and maybe she's right in a sense that I just had to remove myself for a while in order to get to know myself again. I've been enjoying this time of being alone and learning how to be comfortable being alone. Not that it hasn't been emotional. Some days I cry all day, just going about my daily routine letting the tears roll. It's fine to cry, I'm still healing and breaking out of my shell, breaking down all my inner layers in search of who I truly am inside.
It feels good to be alone, I've been having a great time without all the excess baggage. I'm just out here chasing my dreams, making connections and moving forward. I've been doing whatever it takes. I'm done second guessing myself, and allowing my own fears and the fears inflicted upon me by others hold me back, because its led me in circles in the past. I'm learning not to seek the opinions of others so much, because not everyone's intentions are good and in reality what other people think doesn't even matter. Happiness is a choice, and once I decided to be happy and to stop living with the blues, I learned how to just follow my heart. People like us know that when you look deep inside the heart, you'll find the answers. We know that love is the answer.
I guess I was searching for love, and not in the form of romance, but real love. The kind that's just there, it goes unsaid and it lasts forever. Jersey show me love. It's been a while since I felt like I belonged somewhere, and being here has been so humbling and inspiring to push myself to be something more. I look around and everyone here is on the come up, we're just busy supporting one another and making history. These are the times we'll be looking back on when we make it, and we will make it, this is destined. It's already done.
The fruits come with sacrifice, hard work, endless seeds planted, long days, late nights and early mornings. I'm tired. I've been spreading myself thin lately, and some days I question if this is the lifestyle I really want to live. But then I reminisce back to what the alternative looks like, and it isn't one I'd be able to live with. I've seen too much struggle to not want to break the cycles and move forward.
And it's not even just for me, it's for everyone who's been there for me supporting me, my blog, my writing, my talents, and believing in me from day one. This is for my people, this is for Jersey.
We're almost there. 💋